3. Tell me about your feelings

My journey to wholeness started abruptly with a 3 month leave from the world I knew and mostly understood at work. The world where deliverables were the highest metric disappeared and I was now in a void, face to face with my own body and emotions. I was about to learn things about myself that I hadn't paid attention to before. 

The first big lesson for me was to redefine my value and identity. Initially I felt a huge urgency to get well and become productive again, yet each therapist I talked to was in no hurry to move things along. They were all very aware that this was a long game and I was frustrated with that in a big way.

When the therapists tried to slow me down I decided to take it on myself to start learning from books, videos, podcasts and any other source of information I could find. What started to become obvious was that I needed to be ok with deconstructing the way I saw myself and rebuilding in a new way. When I got impatient I was told more than once: "How's your way of thinking working for you? It seems to have gotten you into a mess, so maybe you will need to try thinking differently"

Eventually, I became a student of therapy and introspection. I started with every therapist’s first step: "Tell me how you feel". This wasn't just a greeting or a question about my mood for the day it was an analysis of what happens in my body and brain when I emotionally react to things. I was surprised how much I struggled to describe my feelings.

My emotional vocabulary was extremely small. I knew if I felt good or bad, and I recognized feelings as familiar or new, but how could I communicate my feelings to someone else in a meaningful way?

It’s at this point that I really started to appreciate the help of a therapist who really understood my way of thinking and processing. Every therapist has a different style and personality. I can’t say enough about sticking with it til you find someone you find easy to talk to and that you’re willing to take direction from. It’s my conversations with my therapist, Dr Shaw, that often sparked my biggest breakthroughs as I explored my feelings and motivations. 

It wasn't just my emotional vocabulary that was lacking. I soon found a need to articulate my beliefs as well. What were the real beliefs that were influencing my feelings? I started to understand a flow in my brain that looks something like this.

      Observed Action <------ Motivating Emotions <------ Underlying Beliefs <---- Values and Experience

There is so much happening in me that I was oblivious to. Every time I’m compelled to do something there is a collection of factors under the surface.

I started to write down things I did that seemed odd or out of alignment with who I thought I was. Then I would work backword in my journal to describe the emotions, beliefs and values/experiences that probably generated these actions. This process continues to this day. It has become a daily ritual every morning before I start the rest of my day.

Out of this introspection came some big revelations. I started to recognize different emotions I could name like frustration, rejection, love, joy, curiosity, hopelessness and the list goes on. These were the motivators behind my actions that helped move me toward constructive or destructive behaviour.

Soon, I started to recognize some of the beliefs that were affecting my emotions. Every time my phone rang I experienced a knot in my gut and my stress levels shot through the roof?  Other people may get excited when the phone rings. What was going on in my head? 

There was an insecure belief deep in my identity that when my phone rang people needed something and I was afraid that my response would not be enough. Not being accepted was a huge fear. I needed to be the best, so people wouldn't find fault with me. This belief has so many deep tentacles in my thoughts that even today I still struggle to define my worth outside of my performance levels. My very worth is at stake when I feel an expectation from someone.

Although there are still many struggles today, the key difference now is that I have a much better vocabulary to help me get to the root of what's going on. I can name my feelings, beliefs and values/experiences in much more detail. This helps me make adjustments to my thinking and ultimately change my emotional state.

Unfortunately the ruts I've created over the years want to pull me back into old ways of doing things fairly regularly. I trust that with time and practice and divine help it will get better.