2. Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly

One morning in the office on a pretty normal day in November 2010, I was overcome by an urge to cry out in frustration, literally. This wasn't the first time it happened but it was the tipping point. This wave of emotion was happening more often recently and it was not making sense.

There were tears coming to my eyes and I had to duck into an empty office to shut the door so my colleagues wouldn't see me break down. No one had yelled at me. I wasn't in physical pain. At the heart of it, I just couldn't put together the energy to tackle the issues on my desk that day and it felt like I would miss important deadlines because my brain couldn't think.

 I'd be ok again in about 30 to 60 minutes but I had no idea when this heavy emotion would hit me again. This new reality is very unsettling for a structured and analytical mind that doesn't enjoy surprises. So much of my success rested on my brain's ability to cut through chaos quickly and identify new options and strategies to get us to the next solution. This is the exact skill that was disappearing for periods of time without much warning. 

This fear of uncertainty seemed to push my anxiety to even new levels and the short episodes were feeding a larger sense of hopelessness or a sense of darkness. I can describe all this now but at the time I didn't have words for it. All I knew was that I was out of control and I felt bad. It felt like my career was at stake and I needed out for a while.

----

I guess I can't just leave you hanging there although it does make for a nice cliff hanger. I was incredibly fortunate to work for a company that takes mental health seriously. One day that week after I got to the point of wanting out, I sat down in a director's office and told him what was going on. Note this wasn't the person I worked for but rather someone I trusted to take my feelings seriously. It's hard to find those people and I was fortunate to have someone like that in my leadership circle.

After chatting with my confidant and expressing my desire to quit and take some time off to sort out my life, he did the most amazing thing. He looked at me and said "You don't have to do that. Your employer, Bell Canada has health benefits for this very purpose. You are dealing with a mental health issue and that's what short term disability is for." This rubbed me completely the wrong way. On one level it was a relief but on the other hand I didn't want to be "one of those people" who used the system to escape a hard situation and get the company to pay for it. I had a stigma problem, even with a benefits package that gave me what I needed.

In spite of the stigma, my own boss who didn't get it, and my own fear of talking about it, I was able to walk out of my office that day with the assurance that someone else would take care of my responsibilities at work. I would be able to return a few months later with new mental health tools and a different job for re-entry. In hind site, that's pretty incredible. My only other option would have been to quit and live on savings until I could find something new, while dealing with health challenges. That would have been much more difficult.

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